It's January and time for our annual look at the movies. This year has been tough all around: lousy movies all year, plus chains overbuilding a new multi-plexes, then riding off into bankruptcy sunset! (And the old theaters that have become deserted are those boxy little ones - and no preservation group wants to save those!)
So wouldn't this be a good time to change? You know, try something new!
Of course it would, but corporate art can't change. Ah, but Musea is all about change. And if we owned the chaines (wavy lines begin to cloud the screen like a cheesy dream sequence) THIS IS WHAT WE WOULD DO:
Get the picture - Musea now owns a movie chain of mostly 3 auditorium theaters. We call a meeting and announce the following "bumpy ride."
1. In one of the smaller theaters we are going to show all short films - cartoons, shorts, documentaries, serials, etc. Also, spotlight any local films. Plus its all kids shows (G) on Saturday morning.
2. In the lobby we are going to have an Internet room with all the machines geared to playing movies from the net sites that feature them. Also a dollar directory of the best non-commercial movie sites on the web (including data bases, reviews, gossip, the Musea website, etc.) And one person will help customers access anything they want. (Hourly fee). Also a TV plays all the previews of upcoming films.
3. Another room, the Reading Room, will have assorted used and new books and monthly magazines on the movies. Some books will be for sale, some just for reference. Also, it'll be chock full of numerous movie posters and other movie memorabilia, some for display, some for sale.
4. Also a video rental of all the specialty films that the theater plays. (And a Musea theater would pretty much only play quality indie/foreign and specialty films). That way a film hardly ever leaves the theater and the audience has access to so many more films of every kind.
5. In between shows: bands on stage (more acoustic than arena rock type music), art exhibits on the walls of all the theaters so people can look till the lights come down, guest speakers, acting troupes, short live theater pieces, etc. (And since we have a chain, why not a troupe of performers that moves from one theater to the next?)
6. More SNACK CHOICES with more reasonable prices.
7. Do world premieres.
8. Re-negotiate film payments to 50/50 from day one. Film companies now get most of the box office in the first weeks, so theaters make all their money on high priced snacks. Reduce cost on M/T/W by 50%. Also ALL prices should be rounded off to dollars and no cents.
9. Dump tickets. Instead, use re-usable laminated tickets. The box office has one for every seat in the theaters. When the box is empty, you stop selling. The usher collects them as people come in and then brings them back to the box office to re-use. Also, use plastic bowls and cups for concessions, and re-wash, thus reducing cost and waste of paper and plastic.
10. Do world premieres. On slower nights, give prizes (use money wasted on daily newspaper advertising. It works out to $20 to $50 per show!)
11. Make sure the theater is so beautiful that people want to come to it just to see it and it'll be restored and saved in the future. Also, loosen up. Make the goal of the theater NOT to obey endless bureaucratic company rules, and fill in endless report sheets, but instead follow this golden rule: "Most of the customers, staff and management had a rewarding time today."
12. And due to all the extra activity, the theater will have to be open extended hours almost all of the time. It's got to be, it's become the art center for the community!
We are the kernels of the popcorn patrol
We say butter, you can say yes or no
We have 3 sizes: medium, large or small, oh
We are the kernels of the popcorn patrol
(lyrics by Hunkasaurus & His Pet Guitar)
Best films of a slow year - 2000: Here's a quick list from me and my friends on the best of the year: Requiem For a Dream, a nightmare of addiction, Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, a Chinese action film, Chicken Run, cartoon, The Girl on the Bridge, (Fr. The Knifethrower's Assistant), I'm the One That I Want, comedy concert by Margaret Cho, Quills, Marquis de Sade.
You know you're watching a Hollywood movie when...
1. All of the characters are clearly good or bad people,
2. Bystanders never react, get involved or do anything.
3. Nobody works!
4. Poor people live in great houses or huge apartments filled with expensive stuff.
5. Eveybody waits to talk.
6. Great hair 24/7
7. Computer scene in every drama
8. Symphony music in the background.
9. Nobody notices breathtakingly beautiful women.
10. Married people always argue and never cooperate. (And detectives and their superiors, well...)
11. Blue - blue fog everywhere; blue, see-through water, even the ocean!
12. Endless credits at both ends of the film, and endless promotion on TV news, talk shows, buses, posters, magazines, radio, even stickers on fruit!
AND FINALLY, you know it's a Hollywood movie if you can sum up the entire movie in a 2 minute pitch (which is about what it is worth).
Cut! That's a wrap!
See Musea's comprehensive listing of the best films of all time from day one to 2000 on our website!