Of all the characters of fiction I have created, perhaps my favorite is Tommy.
He is the lead in a series of comedy shorts I have sketched out. He plays many roles - all of them badly.
Hopefully this intro will give you an idea of what I am talking about.
Q. What's your full name?
A. Tommy Tom-Tom Thomas
Q. Is that abbreviated?
A Yes ... a couple of times.
Now for two Tommy scripts - enjoy!
CORPORATE TOMMY
My Last Name Is Not Banana!
Setting: Large corporation employment office and reception room. Secretary calls in the next applicant.
Secretary: "Mr. Lamarr will see you now." (The applicant, a young girl, walks into his office)
Interviewer. (Tommy) "Sit down." (He takes off glasses and begins.) I see that you've written on your application that your last name is Banana. Now that's a strange surname. Is it Italian?"
Applicant. "No ..."
I. "Now don't be ashamed of your heritage. We at Heddy, Heddy, and Lamarr are proud of our ethnic background. Why take me for example. I couldn't be prouder of my family tree - excepting Uncle Harvey on the left side, but we don't talk about THAT bad apple..."
A. "No sir. My name is not Banana."
I. "But it's written here. I have the proof in my hand. Look." (he shows her the sheet)
A. "But I didn't write that."
I. "We at Heddy Heddy and Lamarr, have a dim view of people coming to us with their applications filled out by somebody else. Would you be willing to take a lie detector test if that's required?"
A. "I DID fill out my own application. But that's not it."
I. "You mean to say you're turning in someone else's resume and claiming it's your own? How then can I believe any of this information written here?"
A. "I filled out the application I was given exactly as required. Then I turned it in to your secretary out in the waiting room. She must have gotten mine mixed up with this one." (She taps the sheet he's holding)
I. "Well then where's Miss Banana? It' her turn to be interviewed. She's the one on my schedule. You shouldn't barge in on someone else's time. Assertiveness is a positive trait but only in degrees Miss, Miss, whatever your name is. "
A. "Mr. Lamarr, I was told to be here with my application at exactly 11:00 AM. I came to the waiting room at 10:55 AM, handed the secretary my application. MY application and sat down until she called me in a few minutes ago. "
I. "If a drug test is mandatory would you be willing to take it? "
A. "I don't need a drug test."
I. "I'm marking the 'no' box."
A. "Don't mark the 'no' box. Listen." (Gritting her teeth) "Please sir, let me try to explain one more time..."
I. "A fresh start is a good start. Now no more lies."
A. (She closes her eyes and begins) "That's not my application. I filled out MY application with my name on it and my name is NOT Banana - not my first name, not my last name, not my middle initial. Never has been. Never will be. That's an absurd name! It's stupid! It's the name of a damn fruit! "
I. "There's nothing wrong with being Italian!"
A. "Look, you've got the wrong application and the wrong girl!"
I. "I'm certainly beginning to see that now! And how, pray tell, were you going to cash your paychecks (he's starting to get huffy) when they were made out to a Miss Banana? Forge the signature and fake the I.D.? You didn't think that far ahead did you Miss Banana.?"
A. "Arggggg! Are you serious?"
I. "Or just maybe you're a MRS. Banana married to some Italian accomplice in crime. Did you really think you could just waltz in here, get a job without so much as a 'neer do well' and blackmail us for every penny we've got? Corporate spies are dealt with harshly at Heddy, Heddy, and Lamar. This is no game. I warn you. It's going on your permanent application!"
A. "You *%!@# (wacky horns bleep out the cuse words) You're *&!@# out of your mind if you think for one minute I'd work for... Dorothy and Lamour." (She tears up the application and throws the pieces across the room and storms out.)
I. (As she's leaving he yells) "True colors! True colors Miss Banana. I see now you were one nudge away from an almost post - postal psychotic anger. I'm writing this down on your application or should I say evidence!"
A. (Slams his door, kicks receptionist's desk, turns over a chair, throws magazines all over and storms out of the receptionists room, slamming main door and then opening it 5 or 6 times to slam it again. All this time the next applicant is WATCHING HER, waiting for her turn.)
Receptionist. "Mr. Lamarr will see you now."
Applicant #2. (Hesitantly walks in, is reassured by interviewer's professional manner and waits)
I. (he is back at this desk - fully composed) "Sit down." (He takes off glasses and begins) "I see that you've written on your application that your last name is Banana. Now that's a strange surname. Is it Italian? ..." (Fade and end)
A TOMMY FABLE
Grave and august King enters with minions in utmost decorum and pomp.
Messenger: Dear Lord Wenceslas, your humble servant Blaustagd is at the door and sues for peace. He puts his arms into your hands. Will you receive him?
King: "This is good. Let it be written that we accept. Open the door! "(messenger exits)
2nd voice: (of many down the line) "Open the door!"
3rd voice: "Open the door." (from the 3rd on they are off stage)
4th voice: "I don't wanna"
5th voice: "I don't wanna" (and 6th and 7th follow suit each farther off in the distance)
King: "Open the door!" (With authority)
2nd: "The King says, 'Open the door'"
3rd: "The King says, 'Open the door'"
4th: "The King's a big fat weenie!"
5th: "The King's a big fat weenie!" (Etc.)
King: "Armed guard,see who said that."
2nd: armed guard, "See who said that."
3rd: armed guard, "See who said that."
4th: armed guard, "Never mind" (armed guard returns)
5th: armed guard, "Never mind." (Etc.)
King: "My word will be obeyed!"
2Nd: "The King's word will be obeyed!"
3Rd: "The King's word will be obeyed!"
4Th: "Rough me up a bit, I deserve it."
5Th: "Rough me up a bit, I deserve it" (Etc.)
King: "Find who's saying that - now!"
2Nd: "Find who's saying that - now!"
3Rd: "Find who's saying that - now!"
4Th "Find who's cheating on the Queen now!"
5Th: "Find who's cheating on the Queen now!" (Etc.)
(The Queen gives the King a dirty look while another pretty girl (or 2) scoots away from the crowd)
King: "Cut that man's tongue out. I order it."
2Nd: "Cut that man's tongue out. I order it."
3Rd: "Cut that man's tongue out. I order it."
4Th: "Cut peasants taxes in half - I order it." (A crowd cheers)
5th: "Cut peasants taxes in half - I order it." (Another crowd cheers - and on down the line)
King: "Kill every man that repeats this order." (King turns to second)
2nd: (says nothing and turns to off scene 3rd .... etc. We hear crickets chirping)
King: "I guess that shut him up."
2Nd: "I guess that shut him up."
3Rd: "I guess that shut him up."
4Th "It just pissed me off."
5th "It just pissed me off." (etc.)
Messenger: (re enters) "Sir, Blaustagd feels you are taunting him with delays. What say you?"
King: (to 2nd) "You go and open the door."
2Nd: "I don't know how your majestry." (To 3rd off stage) "You there, go and open the door for the king."
3Rd: "You there, nearer the door, open the door for the king."
4Th: "Lock the doors tighter. The king was just teasing!"
5Th: "Lock the doors tighter: The king was just teasing!" (Etc.)
King: "My kingdom for a man that'll silence that maverick."
2Nd: "My kingdom for a man that'll silence that maverick"
3rd: "My kingdom for a man that'll silence that maverick."
4Th: "My kingdom to the man that's my better , that maverick."
5th: "My kingdom to the man that's my better, that maverick." (Etc.)
4th: "As your new king I say, make enemies friends. Open the gate to Blaustagd and welcome him with outstretched arms." (cheers)
5Th "Welcome him with outstretched arms." (etc. At each echo a crowd cheers etc. We hear the massive door open and Blaustag and soldiers enter castle grounds though still off stage)
4th: "Blaustag, this gate is now oiled with friendship, creaking no longer without peace. We war no more!" (Cheers and echos etc.)
(4th and Blaustag and retinues parade by as stunned king and his minions watch. 4Th is on the shoulders of peasants. He is let down next to King He bows before the Queen and offers his arm. She takes it and follows him off stage. 2nd, or first minister, yanks the crown off king and follows.)
King: (totally bewildered says in a normal voice) "What just happened here?"
(Off in the distance)
3rd: "What just happened here?"
5Th: "What just happened here?" (Etc.)
The End